16 YEARS

16 years of marriage.  I'm not sure why 16 years strikes me any more than 15 did, but it does.  Maybe it's because all around us Durk and I hear of others struggling in their marriages or relationships and here we stand, this past Friday, at 16.  

Not to say we've had a perfect marriage.  Who said it was supposed to be perfect?  As much as I got lost in those fairy tales and such, I was aware enough of the world around me to know there was no such thing as 'happily ever after'.  Lately, though,  it seems more like 'The End' for today's marriages.  

I think being a bit more grounded in reality has helped us.  I remember a couple who mentioned that they never fought.  Ever.  Durk and I had laughed at the idea.  And as a counselor, he knew that not fighting wasn't necessarily a good thing.  They'll blow up into tiny bits, we thought.  Bottled resentment makes a monstrous bomb.  Sadly, they eventually did.  We vowed we'd fight when we felt the need.  And we have.

Learning how to fight, that's another story.  Call it what you will - discuss, firmly state your views, find a meeting ground.  We've done it all and Durk far better than I.  I've only recently begun to learn how to fight fair.  He's done it, pretty much, all along.  I've learned much from him in that and other respects.  It's ok to 'lose' a 'discussion' sometimes.  It's ok to let go.  You're one.  No one else is competing with you.

I remember reading articles or books about women feeling like they've lost themselves in a relationship.  I can see how that could be a negative.  However, I can see the positive as well.  In most cases, where a relationship with Christ is involved, I believe two people are fit together - balancing each other out.  I'm a better person for having met and married Durk.  It is no wonder that after a lifetime together, a spouse dies not too long after the other.  That's how it happened for my grandparents.  Although, my paternal grandmother lasted a few years after my grandfather - she just didn't want to miss anything :)

I do wish marriages were fought harder for.  But, I'm not in those other marriages and I'm not walking in their particular style of shoes.  I do know that God is a miraculous God.  He moved in our marriage.  He blew on embers that were slowly dying out (and this was just in the beginning!). I remember a line from a book that speaks of there being different kinds of love.  The passionate love you feel for your mate will change as years pass.  It's a deeper love.  An immovable love.  And it continues to change.   As strong as it can be, it can also wither just as easily if not nurtured.  So I hope...for every marriage that is struggling more than usual, more than it can seem to bear - because I've experienced what perfect love (God) can do.  

To keep one sacred flame

through life, unchilled, unmoved

To love in wintry age the same

as first in youth we loved,

To feel that we adore

even to fond excess,

That though the heart would break with more

it could not live with less

~Unknown (taken from Two Part Invention by Madeleine L'Engle)